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Compassion in Accountability
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Influence with Integrity: Be Kind, Don’t Whine, and Keep the End in Mind
Persuasion is most powerful when it's honest and respectful. Learn how kindness, focusing on others, and staying goal-oriented lead to genuine influence.
Dain Johnson
Sep 16, 2024
This article was originally published in Character Core Magazine by Strata Leadership in the September 2024 edition.
To persuade means to influence someone to do something they likely wouldn’t do without your input. We encounter persuasion daily, whether inadvertently through conversation or intentionally through advertising. We are, similarly, regularly exposed to manipulation. Yet, persuasion is not manipulation. While manipulation serves the influencer's interest at the expense of the influenced, persuasion generally creates positive outcomes. We usually don’t mind being persuaded because it leads to something beneficial or enjoyable.
To be effective in persuasion, we must recognize that a person is most likely to be persuaded when they aren’t defensive and they get to make the choice. Therefore, as persuaders, we must be kind, not whine, and keep the end in mind.
Be Kind
For persuasion to occur, the individual must be open to influence. In the book Positive Intelligence by Shirzad Chamine, there’s a powerful image of a vortex representing how emotions impact a conversation. When you seek to influence aggressively, the negative vortex pulls the other person into a negative space, reducing their receptiveness to influence. Conversely, a positive vortex decreases stress and increases receptiveness. Kindness is the most effective way to create a positive vortex and prepare someone to be influenced. Kindness includes positive validation, curiosity, patience, listening, or even a willingness to be persuaded yourself.
Don’t Whine
If you want people to listen to you, make it about them. Talking about ourselves or our own needs can come across as whining, which impedes influence. Robert Cialdini, a leading authority on persuasion, shows in his book Pre-Suasion how people can be primed to be influenced. The most effective methods of persuasion focus on the other person, not on you. When you whine, you make it about yourself and shut down the opportunity to persuade.
Keep the End in Mind
In negotiations, we must get people to agree on a course of action they might initially oppose, which requires keeping the end in mind. In Nonviolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg shares methods for negotiating in high-stress situations and emphasizes the need to stay focused on our needs and desired outcomes while compassionately engaging in dialogue. Successful negotiations make everyone feel heard and understood, opening the door for persuasion.
Engage with Integrity
Persuasion is about influencing someone else’s behavior. To be effective, we must often set aside our objectives, timelines, and egos to engage patiently. In your attempts to persuade and influence, remember to be kind, don’t whine, and keep the end in mind. Applying these principles will help you influence others with integrity.
References
Cialdini, R. (2016). Pre-suasion: A revolutionary way to influence and persuade. Simon & Schuster.
Chamine, S. (2012). Positive intelligence: Why only 20% of teams and individuals achieve their true potential and how you can achieve yours. Greenleaf Book Group Press.
Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (2nd ed.). PuddleDancer Press.